A stone won't notice

I need to stop pretending like everything is okay. So much for feeling good today.

I hate when people/family members ask why I call what is growing in MY uterus a ‘fetus’. Um, because that is what it is. In fact, one of my family members said it was “harsh”. What is so harsh about the technical term? Now that I know the gender, I will start calling it by its actual name that we picked out. But any person who tries to bitch to me about calling her a ‘fetus’ can suck my dick. Seriously, I can call her whatever the fuck I want. MY UTERUS!! I do not care if you call yours a ‘baby’ while they’re in the womb, that is your choice. However, I do not feel comfortable calling it a ‘baby’ if that is not what it is. 

Baby: an infant or very young child.

It does not say that it is the same as a fetus. I get a little too technical with terminology. Sorry if I decide to call what is growing in MY UTERUS a fetus, BECAUSE THAT’S WHAT IT IS!!!

Rant over.

You temporarily distracted me from my constant insanity.

Seriously, I love you.

I physically feel ill. What is wrong with me? I feel like my heart just dropped into my stomach.

I feel utterly invisible. What I have to say about things don’t matter, even if it’s the same thing you hear from someone else. I am tired of constantly feeling like I have something to say and nobody cares. I am not stupid, I have opinions and useful knowledge, but it seems like no one cares to hear unless it comes from someone else. I just want to be heard and feel like I have a voice. 

-I was ignored my whole childhood. My parents never cared what I thought or how I felt. My dad only cared about what drug he could get his hands on, my mom was always too focused on hating him and her work.  The most depressing part is I still get treated like that, except it’s by almost everyone I know. And it’s starting to take its toll on who I am.

-I’m freaking the fuck out over this fetus growing inside me. I’m not ready to be a mother. I am just not ready. I don’t think I will be good at it. I cannot handle being responsible for how a person turns out. What if I fuck up this kid? What if I fuck up this kid just like my parents did to me? I just don’t think I can handle it. 

-I have been thinking about suicide more and more lately. More than I have in years.

…I had more, but I just turned into a pathetic mess. I do not feel like typing anymore.

1. State your name: Rachel
2. State the name that your parents almost named you: Blitzkrieg
3. Which of your relatives do you get along with the most? None of them.
5. Did anything embarrassing happen this week? Not particularly.
6. Do you miss your ex? Ew no
7. White chocolate or dark chocolate? Neither.
8. Do people praise you for your looks? Never.
9. What is your favorite color of clothing to wear? I really dig dresses.
10. How do you wear your makeup? Typically, I only wear foundation, and it’s not usually everyday.
11. What are some of your nicknames? My dad calls me Radel.
12. How many bedrooms are in your house? 3
13. How many bathrooms? 2
14. Do you have a job? Yup. Dairy Queen.
15. Do you have a car? Technically.
16. Do you work out every week? Nahhhh,
18. Have you ever kissed someone you never saw again? Yeah
19. Have you ever sung in front of a crowd? Ew no.
20. What kind of bathing suit do you wear? Blue and white striped.
21. Do you like your eyes? Yeah.
22. Do you think you are pretty? Not really, no.
23. Who was the last person you talked to in person? Dakota.
24. How much money is in your account? Like .30 cents.
25. Are you single? No. 
26. Do you want kids? Yeah, I am having one.
27. Tell me what your backpack looks like: I don’t have one.
28. What celebrity do you think is hot? Sasha Grey, Chace Crawford, Mila Kunis, Zooey Deschanel, Natalie Portman, Ewan McGregor, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, and a bunch of others.
29. Last movie you saw in theaters: ParaNorman
30. Are you dating the same person you dated last year? I am married to him.
31. Has someone you were dating ever cheated on you? Yupp
32. Have you ever cheated? No.
33: Have you kissed someone whose name starts with a ‘J’? Yeah
34: What do you like to do in your spare time? Reading, drawing, sleeping, and watching movies. Oh and sex.

AND WHY IS NO ONE TALKING ABOUT THIS?! SO MUCH ANGER!!!!!!!!!!!!

I think I suffer from sporadic depression.

Today, I really just do not feel like talking. To anyone. If you really want to talk to me, you’ll have to start the conversation. Sorry.

I am tired of your lies. Just be honest, that’s all I want.

We thought our girl cat(Audrey) was pregnant, but if she is then she is way overdue. Something is in her stomach. She’s gained a bunch of weight and her nipples are bright pink. I am scared for her and I don’t know what to do.

Pretty Little Liars. Mind fucking blown. Oh god, like I am going to die. I don’t want to wait until winter. Fml. Seriously though, what the fuck?! I hate television writers. More specifically, I hate the writers for PLL. Too many plot twists! You can’t have Spencer finally have sex with Toby, and then turn him into A. Just no, stop. Ughhhh, and then Caleb getting shot! Poor Hanna. I have so many questions that need answering now!! Why would Toby frame his own girlfriend?! I just don’t get it. So much confusion!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!